If I could go back with what I know now, there are five things I would say to Little Me that would change her.
I was asked once, “Emily, if you could go back now and change your little selves’ lives for the better, with five powerful things that you know now, what would you tell them?” I had to think about that for a while, but here’s what I came up with. If I could go back with what I know now and tell my six-year-old self and my fourteen-year-old little rebel child self five things that would change her life for the better, I would say:
The very first thing I would tell her would be Thank you. I would thank her for her strength and tell her stories about her bravery, because I know she didn’t feel brave. I know she was scared. She was scared of our boogieman father; she really thought he would kill someone someday, which he attempted when she was twelve years old. She walked around with an inner strength that was coming from something bigger than her, a God force spirit within her that she didn’t fully understand at the time. She felt it, but she was also being confused by all the adults around her about what “God” was and what it meant, and it didn’t match what she innately knew within herself. She minimized her inner strength and power back then, until she was fourteen and her bravery and strength were tested when she ran away with her big sister and lived on the streets as a runaway, and then she became a little rebel child. I would tell her she didn’t have to do that. I would tell her that it wasn’t her responsibility to save her sister. I would wash away what our father ingrained in her to feel this unrealistic responsibility for others.
Second, I would tell her that she is going to be okay. I would reassure her that she would not only live through this madness but also rise above it all. I would tell her she doesn’t have to worry, that she alone would break her family’s generational patterns, and how heroic she truly will be. I would tell her that she will save herself and be her own hero. Since no one else is coming to do that, she will have to be the one and get to it quickly. I would tell her not to delay, start saving herself now, and stop waiting for another hero; they aren’t coming.
Third, I would tell her to keep dreaming that she was right. Dreams do come true, and they were all wrong. I would tell her to stop listening to “them,” and to close her eyes when bad things come because closing her eyes will keep those photographic memories from planting permanent scars inside her, that will haunt her later in life. I would share with her that her dream to be an author and tell her story will come true. She will be an amazing mother, which was her first dream. I will tell her that she did it, being a mother will give her the drive she needs to save them all, and she will do it. She will stay in a grounded place on her own two feet and shout “Enough” when it will count the most. She will rise when life calls her too. She will be her own version of Joan of Arc!
Fourth, I would tell her about love. I would tell her about all the cool strangers that will show up in her life to show her what love truly is. She will be blown away by humanity and learn to cultivate and return love to people she doesn’t know yet. Like her typing teacher, Mrs. Tilton, in high school, will show up for her like no one else and change her life forever. She will be an example to her for the rest of her life on how to give to others and how to love others. She would teach her about giving, loving, and hoping. Because of Mrs. Tilton she will become a successful businesswoman. I would also tell her to spend more time with her grandparents, because they, too, will show her what love looks like. I would explain to her how much her Gram will mean to her after her passing, and I would try to prevent her from having the regret of being too busy to spend time with her in her later years. I would also reassure her that she does know what love is, and she can trust herself. I will explain that a lot of men will come into her life claiming love and at the same time striking her with violence, and it will confuse her, but that is not love, and she needs to stand her ground, because she does know love, to trust herself.
Last but certainly not least, I would tell her about the one thing that will drive her, push her, haunt her, and hurt her the most, and that is her desire to prove to her father and the world, that she is enough, and that she’s worth loving, that she is worth not hurting, that she will be someone worth respecting, honoring, and being proud of. I would tell her to surrender that desire now. Surrender that drive to prove to the world anything. I will explain to her that that desire will almost kill her in its pursuit. And she will be chasing ghosts. That’s a false premise; her belief is delusional. There is nothing to prove. She is enough as she is; her birth was all the proof she needed of her worthiness. That they were sick people, filling her with pain, delusion, and broken thinking. I would tell her that the faster she can surrender to that truth, the quicker she’ll be victorious because true victory is in the surrender of controlling people, places, and things.
But, since I can’t go back and change my little child, I can be grateful that I know all these things today. I’m in the process of healing all those childhood scars that I’ve carried for so long. I remember when I got sober at age 46 for the second time in my life, my first sponsor asked me, “Is your father in your life now?” I answered “No, he hasn’t been in my life for seventeen years or more, I can’t really remember. I don’t think he even knows I have a third son, who’s ten now.” So, then she said, “So, who have you been trying to prove yourself to now?” and in that moment I was silent as the realty washed over me, that I really haven’t seen my father since I was twelve years old, for any length of time past a handful of brief encounters and here I’ve spent over thirty plus years trying to prove to him that I did something with my life and I was someone worth loving, and he hasn’t even cared all these years. He’s had my phone number all these years and has never tried to call or text me. He didn’t give two shits about me and I’m still living in the delusion of proving to him, I’m going to be more than a loser who was going to flip hamburgers my whole life, which by the way I never did.
I’ve been a successful businesswoman since I was 32 years old, and here I am at 46, still not able to let that childhood scar go. I couldn’t let myself be enough. I’m now 50 years old, and I know I’m enough. I’m a beautiful, successful, honorable, loving human being who was always enough, who’s actually more than enough.
I’ve lived my life in a service mindset and paid forward every kindness other strangers have shown me all these years. I live a way of life today in recovery, I work the twelve steps in the AA program, and I reach my hand out to the newcomer, and I help young women today learn a new way of life. And even though I can’t go back and tell myself all the things I’ve learned, I do tell other young women going through similar things and need to hear the things I’ve learned and I feel blessed knowing that my deepest scars from past mistakes are helping women change their lives for the better and quicker than I did.
Always Choose Love,
Emily Blossom