“The Combo”

“Do fries & a drink come with that?”

In Honor of Mental Health Awareness Month

It’s Mental Health Awareness month.  You may be shocked to know that 1 in 5 Americans has a mental illness (approximately 57.8 million adults).  That’s a staggering number of people in our Nation.  57.8M people live every day with some kind of Mental illness, and this is considered a taboo topic to discuss in public or social settings.  That blows my mind. 

The elephant in the room that we often feel around each other and can’t explain is most likely topics like this that are being silenced and stuffed down, hoping no one will notice.

These topics are so big and filled with so much shame that we want to scream from the rooftops, “PLEASE, SOMEONE HELP ME! PLEASE, SOMEONE TELL ME THEY CAN RELATE!”   But those conversations are covered up with socially acceptable pleasantries.  And we wonder why 40,000 suicides happen annually to people we know and love.  

How often do you hear at funerals, “he was such a nice guy.”  “I had no idea he was in trouble; he seemed so happy.”   We’ve even had movements like “me too” and “hear something, say something.” And still the madness continues.  Why do you think that is? 

I don’t have the answers to any of these hard questions, but in my humble opinion, it starts with conversations, with a real depth of “How are you, really?”  Followed by someone giving an honest answer.  “I’m not doing too well, but I’m trying to get out and be social to see if it helps me feel better.”   And the other person, saying honestly.  “I can relate, I showed up here for the same reason, let’s sit together.” 

 People with Mental Illness don’t need to be told what to do; most likely, they are so aware that something is wrong that they’ve done all the research available to them.  They don’t need to hear the “would’ve”, “could’ve,” “should’ve” from others; they just need someone to listen, to relate, to let them know they’re not crazy and they don’t have to face it alone. 

Let them know they are heard, seen, understood, and accepted.  

I can almost guarantee you that if we started with honest questions, like stopping, pausing, and then looking someone in the eye and asking, ‘how are you?” And then wait and listen to their answer.  Really listen with eye contact.  I know it’s hard, I’m an American with Mental Illness as well.  I understand, but I’m working on the idea that if I know better, I do better.  If I don’t have time to listen to someone’s answer to “how are you,” I don’t ask it. I  just say hello.

 I was self-diagnosed with Alcoholism at forty-six years old.  I know I’m an Alcoholic.  I’ve also been diagnosed clinically with ADHD (at age 50) & chronic PTSD (at 47).  Which means, I’ve spent most of my life dealing with untreated mental illness, because I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I just knew I wasn’t like everyone else. 

I’ve had ADHD my whole life, but being an ’80s kid, we didn’t get diagnosed with things like that back then.  We got beat if we couldn’t sit still, or backhanded if we talked too much or interrupted adults while talking, or we got our chair kicked out from under us by a teacher because we were caught daydreaming again, we didn’t have medications for such things, unless Dad’s belt counts. 

But because I was searching for answers, I became a self-help and self-awareness junkie, as an adult, which led me to ways to deal with my illnesses before they had labels, like meditation, exercise, and writing to calm myself. I also found a career that worked perfectly with my squirrely nature as I became a real estate agent. This meant I had a lot of short-term relationships, which is perfect for a person with ADHD. Short-term attention spans are ideal for a sales career (again, in my opinion). 

I found out at 50 that I have both AD & HD.  It’s called “The Combo.”  “Cool, do I get fries and a drink with that?” I joked with my therapist when that prognosis came in.   I learned from him that having the combo diagnosis is not as bad as I initially thought this label would be.  I discovered some cool things about it that I didn’t know were related; I just thought I was bionic (jk). 

He asked me, “So, do you have any things you do or are capable of that you would consider a ‘superpower ‘?”   I laughed and said, “Why yes, I’ve been waiting my whole life for someone to ask me that question, as I do believe I have superpowers.”  All joking aside, I believed my whole life that I did have special abilities for some things.  I explained to him my ability to work faster and outperform others in things I’m passionate about.   For example, what would take another person 8 hours to do, I can do in under three hours, when it’s on topics I’m passionate about, like real estate, or being part of a committee I love.  I’ve had people ask me numerous times over the years how I do it; how I do so much in such a short amount of time.  I’ve always answered,  “I’m not sure, I’m not sure I understand why you can’t?”   Well, my therapist is about to enlighten me. 

He said, “That’s what I thought you might say.” Then he went on to explain that individuals with “the combo”  or at least the hyperactivity disorder part, also come with the ability to hyper-focus.   I responded with “Wait, you mean that a normal person doesn’t have the ability to focus on tasks at a high level? That seems odd to me.”  He responded with “not at your level.  You and others like you have a level of focus beyond normal human ability, that’s why it’s coined a ‘super-power.” 

“Oh, that finally makes sense to me,” I answer as I ponder everything I can do super fast and efficiently.  Then, some other abilities came out of our discussion that day. For example, I also didn’t know it was a talent to be able to play out movies I make up in my head.   I have a hyper ability to daydream, in real-life full-color “picture scenes” in my mind’s eye.  Which comes in handy for writing; I can describe any scene I’m writing about because I can picture it and play the movie out in my mind.  I thought everyone could see movies with their imagination, can’t they? 

Well, my own mother proved me wrong on this count.  After reading my first memoir, “Mental Mayhem, Cocktails of Dysfunction,”  she said to me, “Wow, Emily, I can’t believe you remembered all those details of our old home in Ohio from your childhood.  You were only eight years old when we relocated to N.H.”  My answer: “Well, Mom, that’s because I have a photo of that house and all its surroundings in my mind. It’s like a photo album in my head, can’t you see it in your mind?”  “No,” she answered, I don’t see movies or pictures in my mind.” 

“Oh really, that’s odd to me,” I responded. “What do people have in their minds without picture albums and movie reels of imagination? How does one think? Is it all just words of chatter? That would be annoying.”  I was taught growing up that daydreaming was a waste of time, and I needed to get my head out of the clouds.   I got in more trouble for daydreaming in school than I care to count.  Whole periods would be lost to me, for I was not paying attention to anything going on around me.

 I can also tune out everything going on around me during a delicious daydream or even a really good movie on TV. I can focus so much that I’m unaware of the world around me.  My youngest son asks me all the time, “Mom, are you busy?”  Now, you have to know the scene in which this question arises, like, when we’re driving in the car, but he’s not asking if I’m busy doing any tasks related to items; he’s asking me to pull my head out of the clouds because he needs my full attention.  I didn’t really realize this level of daydreaming wasn’t normal; I thought everyone had this ability, but everyone else was better at hiding it than I was, or knew when the right time was, and I didn’t.  I didn’t realize the others can’t even produce it at all.

Don’t get me wrong, there is a huge downside to having ADHD, for example: I was terrible in school, and even though I’m really smart, I can’t focus on non-interesting things to me long enough to retain any of it.  At a very young age, we’re taught that if you can’t conform to the classroom, where all the instructions for life are given, you need to go to the “special” classes, where kids go who don’t fit in.  This is where it begins.  I was one of the misfits. This is where we’re taught that something is wrong with us, because we’re being pulled out of class where the normal kids are and sent to the special class, where the “non-normal” kids go.   We try not to talk about it to avoid drawing any more attention to ourselves. But the normal kids teased us because we were different. 

Another side effect of ADHD, sometimes positive and sometimes negative, is that I sometimes have to read the same page of a book five times before I retain what I read. Keeping my mind from drifting is a real challenge for me. I also sometimes have five tasks or five different projects going on at the same time on the same Saturday afternoon. 

For example, I’ll start making a sandwich for lunch, and I’ll start eating it, then I remember I need to switch the laundry, so I decide I’ll run up quickly and switch it around.  While I’m changing the laundry, I remember that I wanted to pay the car payment I forgot to do yesterday, so I go to my office and pay the car payment, that triggers me to remember I forgot to send an email to a friend I also meant to do earlier, so I begin to do that and then feel the urge to use the bathroom, on my way to the bathroom, I remember I forgot the towels in the laundry room, so I stop there to get the towels. While using the restroom, I decide I’d better clean up in there for a few minutes, and then I hear my phone ring. I went to grab the phone, which I had left downstairs, and when I walked downstairs, I saw my half-eaten sandwich sitting on the counter. And it’s only in that moment that I remembered I was eating lunch, which I had started over an hour ago, and I started laughing at myself.

The positive aspects of this behavior are that I have learned to deal with myself and accept myself the way I squirrel around, I call it.  All the tasks and projects get done, but they just don’t get done the way normal people do.  Sometimes I forget to pick up my son from school, even if he texted me a reminder 30 minutes before school gets out.  I will get lost in a hyper-focused activity, lose track of time altogether, and become so absent-minded that I forget that I even agreed to pick him up.  Even though, as a single mom, that is a job I’m assigned to every day.  This is why he texts me almost every day, because he knows I forget him.  Not intentionally, and only another person with ADHD can relate, thankfully, my youngest son also has ADHD, well, he doesn’t have the combo like his mother, but he does have the AD part of the ADHD.  

So, we get each other.  One time, we were getting ready to leave the house, and we didn’t want to forget the drinks we made that morning for breakfast.  Marshall said to me, “Mom, I’ll put them both right here on the counter next to your purse so we don’t forget.”  “Good idea, Marshall, okay, get your shoes on and I’ll meet you in the car.”  “Okay,” he said, running off to get his shoes.  I turn around, throw my own shoes on, grab my bag, and head to the car.  Five minutes later, he comes out and jumps in the car, and we both start fighting over the music options. A mile down the road, he looks at me and says, “Mom, we forgot the drinks.”  I looked at him and said “Are you kidding me, Marshall we both walked out of the house and got a mile down the road before either one of us realized we both absent mindedly forgot to grab the drinks, ugh!  Unbelievable!” and he begins to get really upset with himself because being fourteen he’s new to understanding himself with this diagnosis but I’ve been living with this for 50 years and feel somewhat relieved to have an explanation not to beat myself up anymore about stuff like this.  

So, I pull the car over as I put my hand on his lap and say, “It’s okay, sweetie, we just have ADHD, it’s okay, we can go back and get the drinks, it’s kind of funny if you think about it.”   He calms down and looks at me, and as I pull a U-turn, we both start laughing out loud at each other and start making jokes about how we walked right by them, and I even picked up my purse right next to them and didn’t think to grab them. And we laughed the whole way back home.

Mental Illness is a real deal for 57 M+ people in the world.  Don’t you think it’s time to start the conversations, find our super-powers, and learn to laugh a little at the mental madness?  Because if we can laugh together, accept each other and ourselves in all our brokenness, then maybe the healing will begin on a large level, and we will see improvement in Mental Illness.  

Always Choose Love,

Emily Blossom